The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....
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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
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I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
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I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
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On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
Sorry!
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