a few one liners to help you see in the New Year!
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 5:31 pm
DID you hear about the Egyptian cab driver? He was called Tootandcomeout.
I HAD a car crash last week. The other driver got out and happened to be a dwarf. He said: "I'm not happy." So I replied: "Well, which one are you?"
A MAN walks into a petrol station and says: "Please can I have a KitKat Chunky." The lady cashier hands him a KitKat Chunky. "No", he says. "I wanted a normal KitKat you fat cow."
MY mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft. Now he's just called S.
HAVE you heard about the sultana that was cheating on his wife with a raisin — or do you not keep up with currant affairs?
I WAS chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper the other day. Yes, I was dicing with death!
WHAT is a Shih Tzu? A zoo with no animals.
I CALLED my local takeaway and asked: "Do you deliver?" They said: "No, just lamb, chicken, pork and beef."
WHAT do you call a woman between two goalposts? Annette.
I MET this Dutch girl the other day and she was wearing inflatable shoes. I rang her up to arrange a date, but tragically they told me she had popped her clogs!
I ASKED my bank manager to check my balance, so he pushed me over.
I GOT stung by a bee yesterday. Eight quid for a jar of honey!
DID you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field.
WOMAN to her butcher: "Is that English lamb?" Butcher: "What do you want to do, eat it or talk to it?"
DOCTOR, I've got a short memory. How long have you had that? Had what?
I WAS reading in the paper today about this dwarf that was pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
I BROKE down on the motorway and a car pulled up behind me so I shouted: "Are you the AA?" He replied: "No. I'm a chiropodist. I can give you a toe."
FIRST thing this morning, there was a tap on my front door. He's got a funny sense of humour, my plumber.
A FELLA walks into a restaurant with a salmon under his arm and asks "Excuse me, do you do fishcakes?" "No, sorry sir," says the waiter. "Oh, that's a shame, it's his birthday."
DID you hear about the chap who poured a bottle of Domestos over a clergyman? He was done for a bleach of the priest!
PRESIDENT Obama will offer £50million for Bin Laden. But Man City have offered £80million.
I READ that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.
I ANSWERED the door to a 6ft beetle that hit my face and swore at me. Apparently there's a nasty bug going around.
WHAT'S the first sign of madness? Suggs walking up your drive!
I HAD a car crash last week. The other driver got out and happened to be a dwarf. He said: "I'm not happy." So I replied: "Well, which one are you?"
A MAN walks into a petrol station and says: "Please can I have a KitKat Chunky." The lady cashier hands him a KitKat Chunky. "No", he says. "I wanted a normal KitKat you fat cow."
MY mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft. Now he's just called S.
HAVE you heard about the sultana that was cheating on his wife with a raisin — or do you not keep up with currant affairs?
I WAS chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper the other day. Yes, I was dicing with death!
WHAT is a Shih Tzu? A zoo with no animals.
I CALLED my local takeaway and asked: "Do you deliver?" They said: "No, just lamb, chicken, pork and beef."
WHAT do you call a woman between two goalposts? Annette.
I MET this Dutch girl the other day and she was wearing inflatable shoes. I rang her up to arrange a date, but tragically they told me she had popped her clogs!
I ASKED my bank manager to check my balance, so he pushed me over.
I GOT stung by a bee yesterday. Eight quid for a jar of honey!
DID you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field.
WOMAN to her butcher: "Is that English lamb?" Butcher: "What do you want to do, eat it or talk to it?"
DOCTOR, I've got a short memory. How long have you had that? Had what?
I WAS reading in the paper today about this dwarf that was pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
I BROKE down on the motorway and a car pulled up behind me so I shouted: "Are you the AA?" He replied: "No. I'm a chiropodist. I can give you a toe."
FIRST thing this morning, there was a tap on my front door. He's got a funny sense of humour, my plumber.
A FELLA walks into a restaurant with a salmon under his arm and asks "Excuse me, do you do fishcakes?" "No, sorry sir," says the waiter. "Oh, that's a shame, it's his birthday."
DID you hear about the chap who poured a bottle of Domestos over a clergyman? He was done for a bleach of the priest!
PRESIDENT Obama will offer £50million for Bin Laden. But Man City have offered £80million.
I READ that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.
I ANSWERED the door to a 6ft beetle that hit my face and swore at me. Apparently there's a nasty bug going around.
WHAT'S the first sign of madness? Suggs walking up your drive!